Lovestoned, or the Invention of Nargles
by seriousblahblah
Summary: Xeno/Sirius/Hermione. Harry/Luna. Wacky and crazy story. Everyone was getting high in the 1970s. Hermione unfortunately is stuck there with the biggest stoner of them all: Xenophilius Lovegood...plus young Sirius comes along too. Because Xeno is his drug dealer...things just get crazier from there. Timetravel OT3 [cheech and chong fans might like this]
1. Hamione Benedict

**Xenophilius Lovegood/Sirius Black/Hermione Granger OT3**

* * *

 **~o~**

 **LOVESTONED, or**

 **The Invention of Nargles**

 **~o~**

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Hermione Granger had two problems.

One, she had accidentally gone back in time by one too many turns on the now defunct Time-Turner.

Two, she hadn't brought any mosquito spray and why were there so many mosquitoes back in time? They were biting her to death, and she swore, that the Hogwarts she just left in 1998 did not have as many mosquitoes as the one here. She swatted one.

Then, hearing a tut of disapproval, she looked up at the weird tall blonde guy staring down at her. With a goofy sort of marijuana-induced, laid back expression.

Oh, and that brings us to problem number 3 (because problems always seem to come in wild pairs of 3): everybody in the past seemed to be _batshit crazy._

Or, maybe that was just because she'd accidentally traveled to an alternative universe where everyone was bonkers?

Hermione sniffed the air. _No, scratch that._

The _reason_ everyone seemed so bonkers and out-there, was probably because it was 1970s and everyone was high on drugs: LSD, Mary Jane a.k.a. marijuana and a bunch of other illegal and legal magical drugs.

She'd even caught sight of a young Dumbledore walking, openly smoking a doobie. And no one seemed to bat an eyelash. Then again everyone in Hogwarts seemed to have a doobie on them or tucked behind their ear, right in the open, with their tie-dyed shirts under their uniforms and their yellow submarine Beatles posters.

The blonde in front of her probably did like 10 different combinations of wizard and muggle drugs, if his dilated pupils and dazed out smile were anything to go by.

And was he drooling? Hermione had a feeling this guy was totally drooling over her.

She backed away cautiously from him and stood up from the grass.

"Can you tell me again what year it is?"

"1976," he said almost meditatively. "And did I mention how beautiful you are?"

Hermione cringed. "Er, yeah I think we covered that a few minutes ago, Xenophilius."

"Call me Phil please." He spoke warmly in a Welsh accent and reached out his hand again to try to shake hers.

"Er, I don't think we need to be on a first name basis," she said diplomatically. "Mr. Lovegood."

The shaggy blonde's eyes temporarily lifted with ire... _or was that mischief?_

Hermione had a feeling that young Xenophilius Lovegood, who by all means looked like a love-struck hippie, did not give up easily or do things the conventional way. Like going away when somebody tells you to. Or, stop drooling and staring at a stranger you just met.

Especially, if that stranger is actually a time-traveler from the far future who is totally uncomfortable around you and not wanting to slip up any information and change all time.

No, she would have to be very careful.

And god, this was Luna Lovegood's father; she really needed to be doubly careful.

"I really should go...I...uh have some nargles to catch," she lied again and smiled at her own clever lie. But then she was shocked at what Xenophilius Lovegood said next.

"What's a nargle?"

Hermione turned red in the face. "What do you mean you don't know what a nargle is?" she asked in mild panic. "You talk about them all the time!"

Xenophilius was stoned, but he wasn't that stoned. He knew what he said and didn't say. He shook his head.

"Nah, babe, I've never heard of that before."

"You've never heard of nargles before?" Hermione asked in full panic. _Shit._

"No. Never." Xeno suddenly smiled and turned to some other stoned out hippy Ravenclaw students that were laying about the lawn. "Hey, have you heard of what a nargle is?"

"Nah, man. What's a nargle?" The stoners looked completely confused.

Hermione bit her lip. Shit. Please don't tell me _*I'm*_ the one responsible for introducing Nargles in the future!

"You really don't know what a nargle is?"

"No." Xeno smiled. "Why don't you explain what it is to me?"

 _Fuck fuckity fuck fuck._ "I wish I could...if I actually knew what they were myself." _Because they don't bloody exist!_

Hermione pulled at her hair. This had to be some time-loop, where she always meant to go back in time to introduce nargles to Xenophilius Lovegood.

Oh God it was so ironic. All this time she had been laughing and sneering at nargles, and now it turns out she was the one that bloody introduced, or rather bloody invented, nargles to the Lovegoods.

"I really want to know what the nargles are, please tell me," Xeno asked gently. He was tall and blonde with shaggy hair that fell down to his ears, and he was totally in earnest. He genuinely had no clue what a nargle was.

Hermione bit her lip. Yes, she was in a lot of trouble if she accidentally changed time so that there were no nargles in the future. Especially considering Xeno was the one that introduced them to the world by writing about them in his magazine, The Quibbler). Now she had to stay to make sure everything was right and she didn't create some contradiction or something or go back to the future to find it had been occupied by sea monkeys!

"Uhhh...on second thought, I think I will be staying here...for awhile," she said honestly, thinking how lucky it is that I have to stuck in the 70's most drugged up decade ever, with Xeno Lovegood of all people!

But Xeno's face seemed to light up at this news. "Brilliant."

"Yeah, don't get too excited," she assured him.

He didn't listen.

"So what's your name if you're going to be around for awhile?" His lips quirked up in a smile. "You can't play stranger anymore."

Er, yeah right. Because she was totally playing a childish ('stranger danger') game with him when she hadn't told him her name before. More like, not trying to screw up the century.

She tried to think up a name and thought of ham and eggs, for some reason.

"My name is Hamione Benedict," she lied smoothly. Then her eyes widened. _I'm a fucking idiot! I called myself after a breakfast food!_

"I love your name," he said.

She laughed and guffawed, because the whole situation was screwed up in the head. "Yeah, you probably would." _*like* that ridiculous name I just made up because your own daughter wears radish earring and your own name is Xeno Lovegood, which literally means "love strange and good"._

Xeno scratched his head in confusion. Apparently, sarcasm wasn't a thing in the 70s.

"How would you know?"

"Never mind," she said. "I had better go the Ravenclaws or something." People were looking at her and the less people that saw her, the better, so she didn't accidentally change anything else. Otherwise, she would have to obliviate a lot more people than just Xenophilius Lovegood. As soon as she got him alone, she'd have to obliviate him and then tell him some wild tale about nargles so that he'd write about them in the future.

Xeno smiled and gave her his arm to loop around hers. "Of course. It's my house, let me lead the way." He smiled at her knowingly. "You've never been here at Hogwarts before, so you don't know the way...?" he suggested.

"Uh right." (Was Xeno Lovegood a mindreader? She'd have to check later and make sure, or otherwise obliviate him a lot more.)

Hermione made a mental note to keep her mouth shut and not mention nargles or jabberwockies or anything out of Alice in Wonderland again unless she wanted to be responsible for people believing in jabberwockies and Mad Hatters in the future.

She grabbed Xeno by the arm and pretended not to know where she was going or who was Dumbledore as he led her through the castle.

She thought she saw a familiar black-haired boy staring at her as they passed. But no that couldn't be. She definitely did not see a young Sirius Black whistle at her and leer at her breasts as she passed him.

Or, at least that's what she told herself to maintain some semblance of her sanity, as they went by.

No she did not need another person she knew in the future to screw up the past by meeting her now.

Definitely not a thing to do. Nope.

She was responsible, she had this "change not a thing, crush no butterflies, leave no stone unturned" thing covered.

Now she just had to explain to Xeno what a nargle was...and then she could go back without changing one thing... That couldn't be too hard to screw up could it?

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Written for ot3 challenge so it'll be xeno/sirius/hermione. This story needs a beta if you can help edit it out to make more sense

also is having her time-travelling name "Hamione Benedict" too stupid or is anyone else high enough to think that's funny?


	2. Going Somewhere?

Written for OT3 challenge! Thanks to queenofthecorner for running this challenge and thank you to draconian666 for reviewing! xoxo IHop this Hamione Granger story makes ya laugh :D

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 **Chapter Two:**

 **Going somewhere?**

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It was very simple really, Hermione thought. She just had to explain to Xenophilius Lovegood what a "nargle" was so that it existed in the future and then she could go back and everything would be the same in the future. Yes, very simple.

Except the time-turner was still malfunctioning and they also had "company" trailing them.

As she requested, Xenophilius had been in the process of escorting her to Ravenclaw tower, so that she could be out of the way and not change things as she explained to Xenophilius some things and then made sure to obliviate him afterwards...however _somebody,_ yes someone slightly familiar and annoying, was following them.

She stared at Xenophilius and he nodded, as if understanding that someone was dodging them through the dark castle like a shadow.

She whispered to him, "I think we're being followed." And she grasped her wand.

Xenophilius just smiled and showed her he was grabbing his wand too. "Don't worry," the blonde hippie whispered. "I think I know who it is."

Hermione, also known right now as Hamione Benedict, cast a furtive look behind them. Their follower, er stalker, was in the shadows and about 10 feet behind them so she wasn't sure how Xenophilius could know who it was.

"How do you know for certain who it is?" she whispered in panic, remembering that there were Death Eaters in the 70s too so she had to be careful.

Xeno smirked smugly. "Trust me, I know this one, he follows me all the time," he said almost excitedly.

Hermione raised her brows and lowered her voice even lower as they pretended to continue walking casually up a deserted stairwell. Hogwarts castle looked so gloomy at this time of night and it was a wonder that no teachers seemed to care that there were students wandering around at this time of night. Then again, she'd seen Dumbledore smoking a doobie, so the staff and all the students seemed to be pretty high and not caring about the rules.

Still, she was worried about this mysterious stalker following them. She couldn't quite make out his face, but as they turned the corner, a bit of light briefly shone on their stalker's face and she saw that he had dark black hair, that fell to his shoulders, and...god no she hoped it wasn't who she thought it was.

As they neared Ravenclaw tower, she tugged at Xeno's sleeve. "DON'T YOU THINK we should do something about him now?" she whisper yelled while gesturing to their stalker who was coming closer and closer behind them.

Xeno smiled at her. "Relax. I've got this covered Hamione. He usually follows me at this time of night but—"

"Wait, he usually follows at this time of night?!" Hermione reiterated in confusion. "Then why do you put up with him?"

"He buys things off me," Xeno replied casually, gesturing to his pocket which was suspiciously baggy.

"Are we talking about a stalker or a buyer?" Hermione asked suddenly impatiently as she tapped her foot. Was Xenophilius a drug dealer or something?

"Relax, Hamione," he said again and Hermione had to cringe that she chose "Hamione" of all names as her name, although it sounded pretty close to Hermione, it was still cringe-worthy. "I've got this covered," he whispered and brought out his wand.

Their "stalker" was now just a few feet behind them and ready to step out of the shadows.

Hermione just rolled her eyes and took out her wand. Thinking, _let me handle this._

"Who's there?" she called to the shadows.

Xeno pulled at her shoulder. "Don't worry once he gets close enough, he'll ask for what he wants."

"Right." That's really reassuring, Phil. But I actually need to get your stalker now so I can obliviate both you and him. And then tell you what a nargle is. "Just let me handle this."

"Hamione I don't think you should get involved with this, he's my stalker after all, not yours," Xeno said with sudden possessiveness.

 _Oh god kill me. This situation is ridiculous._

Hermione bit her tongue. Both not to lash out at Xeno and to not cringe at being called "Hamione" again.

" _Xeno,_ " she hissed. "I'm not trying to take your stalker away from you. But trust me, we need to deal with this."...and then I need to obliviate the shit out of both you and your stalker. "The sooner the better." After all, she was in a rush here to get out of the 70s as soon as frickin possible.

Hermione spoke to the lone figure in the shadows of the hallway again. "Come out of your hiding, we know you're there. Now just come out and say what you want!"

Xeno pouted, as if clearly displeased that she was addressing his stalker.

Xenophilius spoke first. "Come out of the shadows, Sirius, we know you're there."

Wait what the fuck...Did he just say Sirius?

As in Sirius Black?

Sirius Black was Xenophilius Lovegood's stalker in the 70s? How the hell did that happen?

She felt completely bugged out as they heard the shuffling of feet and then a laugh, before a young man, removed the cloak from himself and stood before them.

He had long, shaggy black hair, a tall, athletic form and an obnoxious grin on his face. The marauder's map and a wand tucked in his pocket as his grey eyes stared at them with a merry glint.

"Oh god," Hermione gasped.

It was Sirius fucking Black.

"Do you have my drug money?" Xeno suddenly asked of the other boy.

Oh right, this situation was just getting chummier and chummier!

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thanks to everyone that faved, followed or reviewed! xoxox


	3. Deathly Hallowers

thank you to draconian666, ndavis77, lady arturia, snarkyandproudhufflepuff and alessandra12 for reviewing XD

This chapter gets crazier, and it's T for now, but it will probably get M later once the free love starts lol.

If you don't like how this chapter ended and feel like it got too crazy/weird, leave me some concrit and I will try to improve the plot to make it more realistic...and less trippy

* * *

 **Chapter 3 and 4**

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It was Sirius fucking Black. He was Xenophilius Lovegood's stalker? Oh, this situation just couldn't get weirder could it?

"Do you have my drug money?" Xeno suddenly asked, stepping towards the other young man.

Strike that, it just got weirder.

Young Sirius seemed on edge, and although he was handsome, almost breathtakingly so, there were dark bags under his eyes and he seemed to be a bit off...or maybe undergoing some withdrawal symptoms.

Though considering everyone she saw so far, including Dumbledore, seemed to be drugged up, how was this really a surprise?

Sirius seemed like a young panicked drug addict.

"C'mon Xeno, I need a hit dammit! Have some mercy!"

Oh god. What did she walk in on?

Xeno, the taller blonde tutted and though relaxed, his expression was slightly angry. And she noticed that he holding his bulging pockets protectively. That must've been where he stored his stash.

"Sirius you still haven't paid up from last time!"

"I need those dragon scales, please Xeno! I'm dying here! You know my family has cut all funds to me so I'm a bit dry on cash!"

"Hold on," Hermione or rather Hamione said. "What is going on here?" She stared at young Sirius and Xeno knitted his brows at her.

"Who is this?" Sirius said, and his attention momentarily wavered from the drugs to her. His eyes again raked hungrily over her form again. "She's not bad looking. I didn't know you had a new bird, Phil. When did this happen?"

But Xeno interrupted angrily and did not seem pleased at all that she was addressing his stalker or rather his drug client during a trade. "I told you not to get involved, this is my business, Hamione."

"Wait, hold on, her name is Hamione?" Sirius began to laugh.

Hermione felt her ire grow. Sure she knew she new name was absolutely ridiculous, but she did not appreciate being laughed at by someone called Sirius Black. Especially since he seemed to be a dragon-scale inhaling prick in his youth.

She crossed her arms. "Don't laugh too hard, isn't your name Sirius?" She pretended to not know who he is.

Sirius swiped his hair out of his forehead and his grey eyes were positively swimming with delight. "The one and only, Sirius Black. I see my reputation precedes me?"

Hermione tried to laugh, though his overconfidence was almost amusing. "Yeah, if you can count being known as a prick," she informed him, remembering with clarity Snape's memory Harry had told her about. Young Sirius was supposed to be a bully and even if he was a hero later, she wasn't about to be impressed by him now. Especially when he was a such an incorrigible flirt and depraved drug addict.

Sirius's expression seemed crestfallen. "I guess you didn't hear very good things about me?"

Hermione smirked. "No, I didn't."

"Well, you shouldn't believe everything you hear," he informed her angrily.

"I'll be the judge of that myself."

Xeno interrupted their little sparring. "Hamione," _god that name made her cringe everytime she heard it_ , "and Sirius can you please stop arguing and look for ways we can resolve this issue?"

"What issue?" Hermione spat, suddenly indignified that Xenophilius Lovegood was including her in his drug deals. "I have nothing to do with whatever arrangement you and Sirius are quarreling about. Nothing!" _I just need to get both of you clowns alone so I can obliviate you and then implant some memory of the nargles in Xeno!_ she thought.

"Actually," Sirius said, "We're in a lot more trouble than that. Xeno here is just a carrier."

Hermione started to panic. "Just a carrier? What are you talking about?" And how on earth did she ever get involved in a drug deal? Merlin, take her back to the 90s where every poster said "say no to drugs" and everyone was as straight and clean as an arrow.

Xeno, the blonde hippie, informed her. "I carry drugs, specifically powdered dragon scales which are a hallucinogen, for my supplier. He's sort of in a lethal gang and I'm expected to pay up. So if I don't the money from Sirius here, there's going to be, let's just say, a bit of trouble."

"Uhhh what gang? And please don't tell me it's the Death Eaters," Hermione said freaking out. There was NO way. NO way the Death Eaters were involved in the drug business.

(Although, logistically speaking, everything she knew about muggle drug cartels and businesses informed her that gangs and illegal criminal groups were ALWAYS involved in the drug trades. It was, after all, how they funded their illegal, under-the-table activities.)

 _...Still, please to hell, tell me that Voldemort isn't involved in this. He seemed more like the killing type, not the drug-dealing type. Although she wouldn't entirely be surprised if he was a hippie at this time too._

She repeated her thoughts to Sirius and Xeno, whom she just noticed now were both as hot as hell. "Please don't tell me this has anything to do with Voldemort?"

Sirius smirked. "Actually, no, it has to with a little known group as the Deathly Hallowers."

"The Deathly Hallowers?" This had to be some joke. Although it would explain how Xenophilius knew about the Deathly Hallows later and was able to explain to Harry, Ron and her about it.

She sighed and stared up at the tall blonde hippie. "You wouldn't happen to have a triangle shaped pendant on you, would you?"

Xeno scratched his head and opened his tie-dye shirt to show that he wasn't wearing any necklaces or pendants. "Nah. Wait man, are you talking about Xavier's Deathly Hallows pendant? There's only one of those and it's supposed to have legendary powers."

Why did she get the feeling she was also responsible for getting Xeno the pendant he wore in the future?

Oh boy.

Actually, make that two boys.

Sirius and Xeno grinned at her. "Can you help us find it? It would help pay off the drug debts."

Hermione crossed her arms, eyeing the two hippies. There was only one possible reason she would help them find money or the pendant to pay off the Deathly Hallowers.

"What will happen, hypothetically, if I don't help you and you don't pay off the Deathly Hallowers?"

Sirius turned a bit green while Xenophilius looked uncharacteristically nervous. "They'll probably chop our balls off or kill us. Whichever is more painful."

 _Right because chopping someone's balls off was more painful than death._

Still, it would mean that Luna Lovegood was never born if her father's balls were chopped off now. And Harry wouldn't have a godfather if Sirius Black were killed now.

She flipped her hair back. "I think I _might_ be able to help you," she teased.

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well things got odder in this chapter. R&R if you want more! and if you have better ideas for how this chapter should end, say so. I think I might've made the plot a bit too unrealistic towards the end?


	4. The Shag Wagon

**a/n - thanks to dolbydigital, dragonmoonx, thunderbird06, alessandra12, ndavis77 and draconian666, for reviewing! and thanks to everyone that followed too, this chapter is a bit trippy XD**

 **Chapter 4: The Shag Wagon**

 **song for this chapter "Stuck in the middle with you" by Bob Dylan**

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Hermione did not want to be here.

Strike that, she really, _really_ , did not want to be here.

Because she was currenty squeezed in between Xeno and Sirius in their shitty "shag" van that looked and smelled like a rolling old sex dumpster..and smelled like a dirty hotel mattress. She eyed the fur covered seats of the van suspiciously, feeling sure she saw old dried up come shots. Not only was Xeno's 1974 van crummy and rusty, but she felt certain dried white liquid was matted in some of the shag covered seats.

She coughed down her bile.

"Nice wheels, you got Xeno."

Xenophilius grinned proudly and his large hands gripped the steering wheel. "Me dad gave it to me for my last birthday. Do you like it?" His long blonde hair fell into his eyes as he stared at her expectantly.

Hermione didn't really have the heart to tell him that she thought his van and his lack of personal hygiene both a bit gross. Although he did rock the scruffy look pretty good. There were empty butterbeer bottles littered all over the van's floor.

"Ahem," she cleared her throat. "Nevermind what I think. I'm sure...you have a lot of fun here," she said and tried not to look at the dried cum on the dashboard.

Sirius groaned and he tossed back his black hair. "My parents never get me anything!"

"Well, you were disowned by them weren't you?" Hermione arched her brows. _Probably for being a mouthy little prick too, not just for not being a Slytherin._

Sirius frowned. "How did you know that? About being disowned?"

"Nevermind." She gulped.

"You mentioned it earlier, actually." Xeno yawned and adjusted the beads hanging from his rear-view mirror.

Sirius pouted. "When was that?"

"When you were asking for drug money and saying why you didn't have any."

"Oh right." Sirius said and smirked. "I forgot."

 _"Did those dragon-scales eat up your memory, too?"_ Hermione wanted to say, but she bit back her tongue so that they could focus on the task at hand. "Boys," she said.

Xeno and Sirius immediately interrupted her. "I prefer to be called Phil," Xenophilius said.

"Phil," Hermione echoed.

She stared at Sirius who seemed about to burst with wanting to say something too.

"Do you have something to say Sirius, too?"

"Yes," the animagus grinned, "I prefer to be called Cornelius Bunghole."

Hermione grit her teeth. "Not happening."

Sirius crossed his arms. "Well, then you can me Sirius, but it's not fair that we have to call you Hamione Benedict!"

Hermione raised her brow, her hand on the wand in her pocket. "Are you saying you don't think my name is Hamione Benedict?"

Xenophilius and Sirius suddenly burst out laughing.

"C'mon we're stoned, but we're not that stoned!" They laughed.

Hermione grit her teeth. "Well, you can still call me Hamione because I'm not giving you my real name."

Xeno and Sirius both immediately pouted, and, she swore, Sirius was also making puppy dog eyes and whining noises.

"C'mon Hamione, don't you trust us?"

She stared at one of the drugged up hippies and then the other.

"No. I do not."

"Bollocks!" Sirius swore.

Hermione just shrugged and sat back in her seat in the middle of their stinking van. She had the sudden urge to just abandon these two fools, obliviate them and not even care if they existed in the future or not...because they got their balls chopped off or killed...But that would be the irresponsible thing to do.

She stared out the window at the quickly darkening sky.

"Remind me again, while we're having this _amusing_ conversation," she quipped sarcastically. "Just how long do you have, to pay the, er, Deathly Hallowers before they wring your necks?"

"Or balls," Sirius muttered and his hands protectively went to cover the front of his pants.

Hermione tried not to laugh too cruelly.

"Eh, right." She coughed back her cruel laugh, though she didn't really want her friends godfather and father to be neutered. "How long do you have before that happens?"

Xeno checked his watch, which was a wonky old grandfather-style clock on a chain that he took out of his hemp vest. "About 20 hours and seventy minutes."

"You mean 21 hours and 10 minutes?"

"No, I mean 20 hours and seventy minutes," Xeno said again.

Hermione was about to correct the wizard on his shoddy math. "Actually, Phil—"

Sirius started panicking, sweat on his handsome brow as he hit his wand against the dashboard. "Twenty hours or twenty-one hours, either way, it's the same Hamione! And we've got to pay them off, sooner rather than later!"

Hermione bit back a smile. "Okay, then."

"Yes," Sirius said, still covering the front of his pants as if terrified that the Deathly Hallowers were going to snatch his balls from him at any minute.

"Remind me then, why we're taking a muggle van instead of just apparating?"

Xeno cleared his throat and his arm subtly wrapped it's way around the back of her seat.

"Hamione, this isn't just any van, it's a magic van," Xenophilius said and he leaned a bit closer to her, his legs spread wide as he took as much man-space as possible in his seat.

Hermione tried to edge away from him just as subtly, but Sirius was sitting right beside her on the other side so there was no escaping these idiots. It was really a case of the Bob Dylan song "Stuck in the middle with you". She tried to sit in the middle with her elbows tucked in not touching either of the idiots on her sides.

Sirius leered at her when she elbowed him but she ignored him. "It's cozier here, isn't it?" the blonde hippie spoke eloquently.

 _"A bit too cozy,_ " she muttered and tried not to think of how many girls Xeno or Sirius had brought here because the van was really dirty. And oh god, she hoped she wasn't sitting in the seat where Luna Lovegood was conceived. "But, again, why wouldn't we just apparate instead?"

"Because there's room in the back to shag...if we get a little tired or nippy," Xeno told her.

"Where is the back?" Hermione asked. _Though I probably don't want to know the answer,_ she thought.

Xeno smiled and lifted the curtain that separated the front of the van from the back.

Hermione stared in disgust at the back of the van which was covered, indeed as she suspected, a matted old crusty mattress that looked like it had endured the excesses of a teenage boy's fantasies for far too long.

"Again. Not happening." She shuddered. She'd have to be stoned out of her mind to ever got on that dirty mattress with any of these fools.

She was thinking of jumping out of the van before the situation got any creepier or weirder, but Xeno's hands were on the steering wheel again and he turned on the ignition.

The whole upholstered filthy van began to shake and hum.

"What's happening?" Hermione asked in panic.

Xeno smirked and slipped on same ray-bans. "Don't worry, I altered the whole engine to be compatible with muggle and wizarding safety roads..."

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"

Meanwhile, Sirius, clearly in the jumpy state of drug withdrawal, fiddled with the radio until it was playing Pink Floyd very loudly. It was some song called the Dark Side of the moon and extremely trippy.

Hermione, or Hamione as she was now known, could barely hear anything over the racket, but as Xeno smiled and pressed on the gas, she faintly heard him say something like: "Don't worry, this is a magical mystery van and we're going to take you to _Shangri_ -la."

She was very disturbed that Xeno was reciting Beatles lyrics to her (could high people even drive properly?), but then the whole van shook and twisted as it bumbled down the Hogwart's lawn headed straight for a giant stone rune.

"Don't you know how to drive? We're going to crash!" she screeched.

"Relax," Sirius said and he started to eat some popcorn as they all headed down the hill towards the rune.

She screamed for a split second as the van hurdled towards the stone rune but then there was a pop as the whole van, and her with Xeno and Sirius in it, disappeared from Hogwarts grounds.

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Thanks for reading and drive safely, preferably not with someone like Xeno!


	5. Money Grabs

Thanks to yellow 14, Thunderbird06 , Alessandra.12, ndavis77, dolby Draconian666 and Suzululu4moe for reviewing! :p

Sorry if this chapter sucks the big one, I will proofread this tomorrow so sorry if there's errors or other plotholes and yeah I should probably edit it up! I will try to think of a better plot to add to it tomorrow :)

* * *

 **Chapter 5:**

 **Money Grabs**

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Hermione screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Oh my god, we're going to crashhh!"

"Relax," Sirius said.

"Relax? Relax?!"

She smacked him on the top of his head. Sirius groaned in pain.

And then all three jolted forward in their seats as the van apparated with a loud _crunky-thunky_ metallic screech.

Hermione winced as she felt her ear drums about to burst and it felt like every atom of her being was being stretched and pulled by gravity as the whole vehicle apparated...very slowly...too slowly.

"Merlin, why is your engine so rusted? Apparition shouldn't take this long! We could get splinched!"

"I tweaked it myself," Xeno shouted over the engine's loud screeches.

"Oh that's reassuring!" She hissed and tried to wave several diagnosis spells over the van with her wand. "But you need to speed it up!"

"It takes a bit to warm up, but don't worry we'll get there!" He fiddled with the gear shifts and the van began to spin faster. The needle on the speedometer was flying wildly back and forth.

"Hold on," Sirius said. "This is the fun part!"

Suddenly there was a blast of beaming white light as the engine really kicked in.

For a second, Hermione thought she was going to dump the contents of her stomach as the van twisted and turned like a high-speed roller-coaster, but then just as quickly, the van reappeared with another loud _pop!_ And when she looked out the window again, they were sitting, perfectly parked, on an ordinary London street.

Several muggle children passed by the van, playing with kites and hopscotch, completely oblivious that they had just passed by a magic van that had apparated miles away from Hogwarts in Scotland to London.

Hermione let out a shaky breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding.

Sirius grinned at her. "Didn't I tell you this was going to be a trip?"

Hermione was feeling too nauseous to smack him on the head again. "Just move over," she croaked and pulled at her messy, curly hair which was standing on end. "I need to get out."

More like, she needed to stand on firm ground again and breathe in-and-out so she could stop shaking. She felt like she'd just been pulled through a wormhole. Apparition wasn't usually this bad, but Xeno must've done something to his engine to make it work so shoddily.

She glared resentfully at Xeno. The blond wiped at his dashboard, which had been covered in loose dragon scales while they apparated. "I better get this powder back in it's packets," Xeno said and used his wand to vacuum up the dragon scale powder. He sneezed. "It must be in the air."

Sirius unbuckled his seat belt and got out of his side of the van first, offering his hand for her to climb out.

Hermione sneezed from the loose dragon scale powder that was all over the van.

"My lady?" Sirius purred, still holding out his hand for her, as he stood on the muggle sidewalk with his ripped jeans.

"I think not," she huffed, slapping his hands away. "I don't need your help to walk, Sirius Black." but as she placed her first foot on the pavement, she yelped and nearly keeled over she was so dizzy.

The world seemed to still be spinning around her, and she was about to fall face-first onto the ground, when Sirius grabbed her around the waist.

"I told you so," Sirius chuckled softly in her ear as he caught by the waist and drew her towards him.

Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, somehow enjoying the feeling of leaning back on Sirius's sturdy chest for support.

"You should watch yourself, Hamione," Sirius quipped smugly, his hands still on her waist.

" _Grrrrrcfddsdsd_ ," Hermione made an incoherent, growling sound that sounded faintly like the van's engine when it was hurling them nearly to death.

There was a slam of door as Xenophilius finally got out of his side of the van and joined them. The little baggies of dragon scales collected and safely deposited in his bulging pockets again.

"What happened to her?" Xeno asked coolly, flicking his beach bum, blonde hair back.

Hermione lunged forward to try to strangle him, but both Xenophilius and Sirius caught her again before she fell over face-first onto the pavement.

Her head was swimming; and it was perfectly possible she might've accidentally inhaled some of the dragon scale powder. She was certainly too dizzy to think or see straight, or notice how ridiculously cute they both were holding her up and tending to her needs.

"Whoa there." Xenophilius smiled, his hands firmly on her shoulders, while Sirius's hands were on her waist. "You need to be more careful, seems you're not used to motion sickness."

"Motion sickness?" she snapped and she could practically feel her stomach still churning like a washer and dryer. "An _abomination_ like your van shouldn't even be allowed on the road!" Her cheeks turned hot with anger as she stared down the blond hippie, her chin raising higher in the air. "Did you even have a license or safety permit to be driving this _-this_ \- thing that nearly killed us?"

"No."

Xenophilius, though he was about 6 foot 2 tall, suddenly seemed very small as he cowered before her anger.

"No one gets a license anyways," Sirius added with his typical, wanton, break-all-the-rules carelessness.

Hermione turned on him. " _Don't try me,_ Sirius. I mean it. I've dealt with a lot of baloney today." She pinched her fingers together. "I'm just a tiny inch from losing it altogether."

Xeno cleared his throat. "Yeah, maybe we should do things your way, Hamione," he said more to Sirius than to her. "At least until we get the Deathly Hallowers paid off."

Hermione sighed and took in a deep breath of air. It seems they _might_ get along after all. If they showed a little maturity and gave her some leadership roles.

"Thank you, Phil," she told the tall blond.

Sirius was not one to be outdone though and he immediately chipped in to say. "Hold on, Ham, I'd like to do things your way too, if it makes you happy," he grinned and his teeth were annoying white and straight.

Hermione just nodded. "Okay. My head's clearing up and I think I might've accidentally inhaled some of the dragon scales, but how do we find the Deathly Hallowers?"

"The Deathly Hallowers?" Xeno said in panic. "We want to avoid them, remember? At least until we get the money to pay them off, we need to stay well clear of them."

Hermione nodded again, clearly her head was still a bit mixed up.

"Okay, well I see I'm not going to satisfy my curiosity yet of finding out who these mysterious Deathly Hallowers are. So how do we find the pendant or money they want so much?"

Xeno grinned and pointed to the sign across the street from where they were parked. "No one knows for sure how to find the pendant, and most quests for the Deathly Hallow have ended unfruitfully, however I know a very fruitful way of picking up money." He tapped his nose knowingly and his blue eyes again shifted to the store across the street.

"A pawn shop?" Hermione raised her brows. Then she corrected herself as she stared across the street. "A muggle pawn shop?"

"We figured we might try to rob some muggles for easy gold in the meantime."

"Rob muggles?" Hermione asked.

"Yes." They both shrugged. "We have magic, they don't. But they have gold, so we can take it from them." Sirius reasoned.

Hermione slapped her forehead, completely blown away by their lack of scruples. "Just how many muggle pawn shops have you two robbed to pay off your drug habit?"

Xeno gulped. "A few."

"We'll pay the muggles back later," Sirius added quickly, before they looked even worse.

Hermione glared at them. "I have a feeling you won't be paying anyone off, Sirius. But," she bit her lip, "if robbing pawn shops is how you've always done things, then I guess it would be wrong of me to change things by stopping you."

 _Since she was a time traveler, not because she approved of robbery._ And good lord, she wanted to stop them. But then it would be throwing a monkey wrench in the timeline if she changed how they got their money, or they got their balls chopped off.

"I better not get involved though, I'll stay right here," she said, pointing to the lamppost beside the parked van.

Sirius grinned. "But we need Xeno to be our getaway driver. He has to stay here."

Hermione's eyes widened. "So?"

Xeno coughed guiltily. "And Sirius doesn't know how to talk to muggles without sounding like an idiot."

"Again, so what?" Hermione repeated. "You're not thinking I'm going to go in there and help you commit a crime!" Her blood started to boil that they would even think she'd do this for them.

"Hey, we just don't want to get killed by the Death Hallowers."

"Or get prematurely neutered," Xeno said. "I have a feeling I'll be having kids one day. With you, maybe, even."

Hermione flustered both at his attention and the lewd context. "Trust me, your babies won't be my babies, Xeno, so I don't really have an investment in what happens to them."

 _Except_ she didn't want Luna Lovegood, her friend, to be unborn.

Hermione bit her lip and stared very hard at the sign of the pawn shop.

It was possible she could pay the muggle store either now or in the future, so that it wasn't an actual crime.

Although it made her feel so dirty to even contemplate doing it...I mean, she had been involved in that robbery of Gringotts in 1998, but that had been to take a horcruxe from Bella's bank fault, not to help a bunch of idiots pay off their drug habits.

Yet could either stop Harry's godfather and Luna Lovegood's dad from committing a felonious, horrible crime now...or she could pay the price later by screwing up all time and history.

Dammit.

A brilliant thought suddenly occurred to her.

"What date is it?"

"November 6th 1976."

"Why?"

Shit. "That explains everything!"

She rushed to pick up a newspaper.

.

.


End file.
